A MUMMERS PLAY
CHARACTERS: in order of speaking:
Mrs Baggit [1]
Father Christmas
Saint Piran [2]
E.U. Bureaucrat
E.U. Clerk
Coppernose [3]
Cousin Jack [4]
Boy
Dragon
Doctor
Jack’s Wife
Tregeagle [5]
Beelzebub
King Arthur
[Enter Mrs Baggit; sweeping the floor with a broom]
Mrs Baggit:
In comes I, old Mrs. Baggit, pushing on my broom
To make space for the jolly mummers to perform in this room.
You’ll see activity of youth and activity of age
The like of which has never been seen on this stage.
But should you not believe what I say
Here comes dear Father Christmas – so clear the way. [Exit]
[Enter Father Christmas]
Father Christmas:
In come I, merry old Father Christmas.
Be I welcome or welcome not,
I hope that Father Christmas
Will never be forgot.
We come here for merriment and cheer
A pocketful of money and a skinful of beer.
Roast turkey, mince pies, plum pudding and wine
But should you have none of these, then God bless you and thine.
For whether we sit, stand, rise or fall
Our duty is to entertain you all.
[Loud knocking outside]
Now that should be the bold Saint George
Brave gallant knight and of the heathen a scourge. [Exit]
[Enter Saint Piran]
Saint Piran:
In come I, Saint Piran’s my name.
I stand in for George as his horse has gone lame.
I may be a preacher and deadly with the word
But I’m as good as Saint George when it comes to the sword.
Cornwall’s my country I’ll defend and I’ll fight
And I’ll cut down that bragging Turkish Knight.
[Enter E.U. Bureaucrat with Clerk]
E.U. Bureaucrat:
Stop right there. The Turkish Knight is not permitted
Because Turkey is not yet to the E.U. admitted.
But, Saint Piran, you’ll not feel so bold
When I cut you down and your hot blood runs cold.
And when I entwine you in my red tape
You’ll find there’s no way to escape.
[They fight. E.U. Bureaucrat falls]
[Exit Saint Piran]
Clerk:
Oh dear master you have been slain
Is there anyone to raise him up again?
[Enter Father Christmas who pokes the Bureaucrat with his stick and foot]
Clerk:
Oh Father Christmas if I gave you a thousand grand
Would that be enough to make him stand?
Father Christmas:
I’m sorry to tell you, sonny Jim
There’s neither money nor doctor that can cure him
This creature has no soul, heart or brain
There’s no chance he will ever live again.
Come here, Coppernose
[Beckons towards Coppernose]
[Enter Coppernose]
Coppernose:
I be Coppernose
In I comes and out we goes.
[Coppernose lifts corpse and exits; followed by Clerk]
Father Christmas: [looks at his watch]
I’m expecting King Arthur soon
He said he be here this afternoon.
[Loud noises off. Cousin Jack runs in followed by Boy who hides behind Jack]
Jack:
Please Father Christmas I beg your pardon
But my wife has been swallowed by this fiery dragon.
[Enter Dragon]
[Exit Father Christmas]
[Jack faces the Dragon brandishing his sword]
I am Cousin Jack, the Cornish miner
In all the world there is no finer.
For eating my wife this ugly worm must die
I’ll chop off its head for a huge star gazy pie. [7]
[They fight and Jack falls to the ground]
[Boy runs over and puts his ear to Jack’s chest]
Boy:
Doctor, doctor, come here quick
Cousin Jack’s heart has ceased to tick.
[Enter Doctor]
Doctor:
In come I, a physician of alternative medicine,
Expert in herbs, tinctures and poultices on the skin.
I’ve practiced in India, Africa and Spain;
The Orient, the Americas and back to Cornwall again.
Boy:
But I have no money and can’t afford your fee.
Doctor:
Don’t worry, my boy, my knowledge is free.
I can cure all infirmity.
Shingles and tingles, the pox and the gout,
If the devil’s in, I’ll blow him right out.
Here [holds up bottle] I have my alicumpane [8]
It’ll make young Jack rise up again.
Take a little of my flip-flop [holds the bottle to Jack’s lips]
And pour it down your tip-top.
[Jack gets up]
Jack:
Thank you doc, I’m feeling fine
Now let me at that enemy of mine.
[Exit Doctor]
[Jack and Dragon fight. Dragon falls to the ground]
[Jack’s Wife removes Dragon’s head (mask) and stands up]
Jack’s Wife:
Oh Jack. Oh Jack. You’ve brought me back.
Jack:
Of that I am pleased. Now let’s hit the sack
[They embrace and exit. Followed by Boy]
[Enter Tregeagle, moaning and carrying a sack of sand on his back. He walks slowly from one side of the “stage” to the other without stopping]
Tregeagle:
I am the doomed Tregeagle but I cannot stop to tell
Of my hopeless toil or else the demons will take me down to Hell.
[Exit: howling]
[Enter Beelzebub]
Beelzebub:
Here am I, Beelzebub. Over my shoulder I carry a club
In my hand is a frying pan. Don’t I look a fine young man?
But I come here on an urgent quest
To find my pet I love the best.
His name is Spot and he’s a dragon green.
Is he anywhere here to be seen?
[Hopefully the audience will shout, “Behind you!”. If not, the cast will shout.]
[Beelzebub turns, sees the dragon on the ground and falls to his knees, wailing].
[Enter Saint Piran and Father Christmas]
Saint Piran:
Get up, man, don’t you blub
Remember you are Beelzebub.
Father Christmas:
And if evil doings you promise not to plot
At Christmas you may get a replacement Spot.
[Beelzebub stands up and claps his hands]
Beelzebub:
Oh yes, oh yes, I’ll promise to be good
I’ll do all that a good man should.
Father Christmas:
Where can King Arthur be?
He said he’d be here di-rect-ly.
Saint Piran:
Ah! I think you’ll find instead
Dreckly was what he said.
Which to us Cornish means
I’ll be along when I please.
So let us go and sup
If he comes, he can catch us up.
[The three link arms and exit]
[All the cast – except Mrs Baggit – turn their backs to the audience]
[Enter Mrs. Baggit pushing her broom]
Mrs. Baggit:
Every year I’m left this same old mess
And so it will always be, I guess.
Until that Beelzebub changes his ways
Keeps his promise and learns to behave.
Now, before you go, listen to me, do
And take all your litter home with you.
[Exit: pushing broom; nudges dragon which stands up and exits with Mrs. Baggit who is heard muttering: “Out, damned Spot”.]
[Enter King Arthur]
King Arthur:
Kneel down you peasants. [points sword at audience] I, King Arthur hath spoke.
I rule this land with an iron hand, and yet I’m still a modest bloke.
You will have heard of such famous Cornish folk
As Cap’n Bligh, Du Maurier, Davy and Q
An Gof, Cookworthy, Jethro and Trevithick, too.
And don’t make me laugh and mention Bishop Trelawny [6]
‘Cos I’m the greatest Cornishman there ever will be.
[He turns round to the cast]
Hey you lot, how dare you leave without me
Come back here now, your King commands ye.
[Full cast turn and walk towards Arthur and all line up across the “stage”]
Father Christmas:
Our little entertainment is ended now. We hope you found it jolly.
Now comes the time to ask you for some of your hard earned lolly.
We are poor minstrels and players, always on the roam
Please put some coppers in the hat for our bus fare home.
THE END
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Footnotes:
[1] Mrs. Baggit: in 1988 Cornwall Council launched an anti-litter campaign with
the slogan “Mrs. Baggit says ‘Please take your litter home.’”
[2] Saint Piran: patron saint of tin miners and hence of all Cornwall.
[3] Coppernose: an imaginary character created to give someone a part in the
play!
[4] Cousin Jack: nickname given to someone (usually a miner) of the Cornish
diaspora in Australia, South America, USA, Canada and “anywhere there’s
a hole in the ground.”
[5] Tregeagle: a mythical character based on a real person and given
impossible tasks to perform.
[6] These are all real characters who are either Cornish or have Cornish
Connections.
[7] Star gazy pie: a pie made with pilchards whose heads poke out above the
pastry and gaze up at the sky.
[8] Alicumpane: a traditional way of spelling ‘elecampane’ which is a plant
whose roots are still much used in herbal medicine.
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